my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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