Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
