This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
