i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
