Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
