I can't watch pbs sober anymore
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
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