I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
