so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
