I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
me + whiskey = a bad person
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
