you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
