I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Actions speak louder than pants.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
