girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
