I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Randomize
