I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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