Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
