it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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