i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
