you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
