Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
