When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
