Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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