I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
