Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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