You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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