You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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