i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
