Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
