Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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