Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
How does one acquire holy water?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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