just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
