do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
