You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize
