my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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