The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
