And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
