I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
