I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
