You made me cry and you don't even care
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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