If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
And then he peed in my hair
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