I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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