It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
