I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
