who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
