she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
