The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
