Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
