took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
