he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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