i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
