Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
