If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
So squirting runs in the family.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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