I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Ketchup is God's man juice
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
