i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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