I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
