We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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