laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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