you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
