He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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