im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
